Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Entry #4 Terengganu and Loneliness

I used to love someone but now he’s dead. I’ve tried to search for him, even in himself, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I’m confident that this man I love is now dead. It’s funny how you never appreciate what you have and only miss everything when it’s gone. I went to Terengganu in 2007 and I was a complete stranger. I was the only English debater among Malay debaters that I don’t really know. This is when I start to learn the art of surviving especially when I left my hand phone at home. Being somewhere 12 hour’s away drive from home without being able to communicate with people who are closed to you, that were painful. And there he was, this man I love, tried every possible way he could to be in touch with me. I was ashamed that I was being controlled by him in front of everyone. I started thinking about freedom, living without him. But then, I was wrong. I just want to go home, to meet him and fall into his arms. The freedom I thought of living can actually be defined as loneliness. If I was able to see things clearer, maybe then I’ll realize that I can never live without him. But still, I learned to survive. I make friends. I bathe at a non-bathing zone. I drove a car through zig zag roads and I made it to Batu Burok all the way from Dungun. I met my ex-classmate. I judge every round. I even met new people, including my current boyfriend. I judge the final. I chose the winning team and I made it out of there being someone new. I even had the funniest joke preyed upon me. They bought me a bubble phone for kids to joke on how much I miss my hand phone. Truth is, I miss him, the man I love. But there’s no use is remembering the feelings because he is dead. He won’t be coming back. Even if I am lying to myself every day, I’m closer to happiness than he’ll ever be. The only thing I can do is learn from this. To be aware of your true feelings took more than just a thought. It took courage, self-confidence and faith.

Coming up next: Philippines and Appreciating

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