Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I used to love someone but now he’s dead. I’ve tried to search for him, even in himself, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I’m confident that this man I love is now dead. It’s funny how you never appreciate what you have and only miss everything when it’s gone. I went to Terengganu in 2007 and I was a complete stranger. I was the only English debater among Malay debaters that I don’t really know. This is when I start to learn the art of surviving especially when I left my hand phone at home. Being somewhere 12 hour’s away drive from home without being able to communicate with people who are closed to you, that were painful. And there he was, this man I love, tried every possible way he could to be in touch with me. I was ashamed that I was being controlled by him in front of everyone. I started thinking about freedom, living without him. But then, I was wrong. I just want to go home, to meet him and fall into his arms. The freedom I thought of living can actually be defined as loneliness. If I was able to see things clearer, maybe then I’ll realize that I can never live without him. But still, I learned to survive. I make friends. I bathe at a non-bathing zone. I drove a car through zig zag roads and I made it to Batu Burok all the way from Dungun. I met my ex-classmate. I judge every round. I even met new people, including my current boyfriend. I judge the final. I chose the winning team and I made it out of there being someone new. I even had the funniest joke preyed upon me. They bought me a bubble phone for kids to joke on how much I miss my hand phone. Truth is, I miss him, the man I love. But there’s no use is remembering the feelings because he is dead. He won’t be coming back. Even if I am lying to myself every day, I’m closer to happiness than he’ll ever be. The only thing I can do is learn from this. To be aware of your true feelings took more than just a thought. It took courage, self-confidence and faith.
Coming up next: Philippines and Appreciating
I had always known that there were problems. If only it can be fixed. Then I would probably be a different person. I would probably be more tolerant, happy, unemotional, trusting and have faith in love. But in reality, it wasn’t fixed, it was left that way. I despised fate for being so cruel. I still remember vividly the whole trip. My father arranged a vacation for all of us to Cameron Highland. We all agreed since it has been so long since we had a family vacation. If I knew that it was going to be the last time I had a vacation with him alongside everyone in the family, I would appreciate every moment I had. I would hold him so tight. But now he belongs to someone else. He’s no longer a part of us. But it hurts the most that he is happier now than then. I used to hate it when he argued with my mother. But now I miss hearing them because it was so funny. It was cold when we stayed at the home stay. It was beautiful that everyone cuddled up to each other at night. I still remember the roses I bought. The strawberry keychain as well. The food we ate. I miss being seven of us, but now we’re six. I had face the fact that now he’s gone. Because I love my father, I would be happy if he’s happy. I should be happy for him. Sooner or later I’ll have to accept the fact anyway. Pop, wherever you are, hope you know, I love you and I’ll be there for you if you need me. I won’t turn my back against you even if it hurts.
Coming up next: Terengganu and Loneliness
It was in 2006 and it was supposed to be a sport event but I joined for a seminar program. There were me, Maisarah, Sac, Izs and Azrul. We were all debaters for UiTM Perlis and that event was called Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand - Growth Triangle (IMT-GT). We went to Prince of Songkhla University. The best thing I could remember was the food I had at a cafeteria there and how cheap the earrings were there. I love earrings. But the worst thing was I got chicken pox after just two days. That fever forced me to just sleep in my room and did not go to any event. It was sad especially when the rest got a chance to travel all the way to the beach where they had a gold mermaid statue. They got to ride on a boat and I was just sleeping in my room. The cruelest part was that I was forced to present in seminar with pox all over my face. I lost all my confidence. But we still got first place. Then I went straight home with a UiTM driver. I was left with chicken pox for more than 2 weeks. I was so afraid to meet my bf (who’s no longer my bf now) in case he won’t love me anymore. But he’s a super nice guy and accepts me for who I was. I never say thank you for that. But dude, thanks a lot for always being there for me if u read this somehow. Up until now, I still envy the fact that Mai, Sac, Izs, Azrul and even Nizam (who represents UiTM for cultural performance) get the chance to have a lot of fun without me. Guys, I’ll go there again one day and take hundreds of photos for you guys to see…..hehh!!
Coming up next: Cameron Highland and then I lost a father
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sometimes you loved, and you learned.
Heartbreak is only a part of that learning experience.
I have loved, and I have learned.
I have tasted heartbreak.
I have fallen down to my knees.
I have lost what I can’t live without.
But even if I can’t live without it, I kept on waking up every morning.
And I am perfectly sober, still awake and not dying.
Life must go on even if you wake up every morning hoping that it stops.
That’s what I’ve learned.
This is my first entry of my blog.
I’m not going to write about my feelings, my fucked up life or how much I’m hurt.
Instead, what I will write in this blog is my point of view, life experience or merely imagination.
My entries will be entries that will affect the lives of everyone who can relate to them…
I’m so sick of entertaining my own feelings, suffering from heartache and being selfish to talk just about myself.
I would only wish him well and try to forget.
If you love someone so much, you will let him go.
If you love him so much, you would only want him to be happy.
If this is what makes him happy, then this is what I have to live with.